Log in

Cracker Jack
20 most recent entries

Date:2004-05-13 13:36
Subject:An Update--A Britney Spears song made me cry

This probably won't make much sense to anyone...

Fuck it.
I'm giving in.
My emotions have taken over and I'm tired of denying them.

The video for 'Everytime' by Britney Spears reminded me of a lot of things. Hell, everything around me reminds me of 'a lot of things'. Any ways, the song brought me to tears (luckily I wasn't hysterically crying). I gave in a called him but, thankfully, it was busy and thus I didn't end up making a fool out myself. Why the fuck do I insist on calling someone who doesn't giving a flying fuck about me? If he cared he would've called by now like any decent person would. I don't want to get back together with him I just thought that he would be kind enough to take responsibility for his own actions (another idea that he drilled into my head, along with the fact that I thought with my emotions and didn't think logically and thus with people like me in the world Armageddon would inevitably would happen, whatever).
Point is he doesn't care about me. He's probably hanging around some X-Box-playing-skateboard-riding-music-talking-weed-smoking-blonde-haired-blued-eyed-seventeen-year-old. Whatever, I'm sorry that I don't talk about philosophy but the fact is I have bills to pay and the only thing on my mind is that my water bill is due this Sunday and I'm not sure if I can pay it. I'm sorry that I don't spend hours thinking about 'where we're from and if 'God' exists' but enjoying life rather than questioning it makes me ten times happier. It's like constantly asking your parents why you have to take out the trash instead of actually doing and thus you end up spending a whole day arguing and debating about trash. Granted life isn't a bag of trash but the point is...shut the fuck up and enjoy it.

I've tried to be nice about this situation but when you've been depressed for four months and suddenly your boyfriend breaks-up with and you think it's the end of the world when in reality he was the reason why you were depressed, being nice isn't the first thing on your mind.
He turned me into something that I never thought I would be.
All the drugs.
The endless spontaneity.

One day I'll be able to tell him to his face how I truly feel.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2004-03-11 00:20
Subject:Good-bye...for now....

I made a choice.
That choice is to create another journal. I think that this one contains too much stigma. I will now reside under the name georgenajet. I'll probably log in to this account every so often but I think it's time for me to say good-bye.
Having been content with my life in the past few weeks I think that I have finally moved on. Thus, I'm moving away...

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-02-24 11:58

This has been on my mind for a couple of weeks...

I hate drugs and the fact that my boyfriend does them.

He says that he spends too much time with me and that's why he isn't doing good in school. Thus, we don't spend as much time together. The only time I ever see him is while he's working. However, last Tuesday he smoked pot and stayed out until 4 a.m. then on Thursday he got high off of shrooms and smoked pot and all the while I was at home, alone. On Thursday I got a phone call from him mom who was crying because she was really ill and all I could think was 'Scott isn't here because out getting high with another girl, a girl that he's messed around with in the past'. Since I'm a good person I did everything in my power to find him and when I did get a hold of him he acted like it was no big deal.

How come I'm the cause of his poor grades when I don't even see him unless he's working? How come he can go get high with another girl and enjoy himself but when it comes to me he can't see me because he's busy with 'homework'. I feel guilty every time I call him. I feel even worse whenever we spend time together. I feel bad when he acts like he doesn't want to talk to me. I feel rejected on so many levels by him. It's like I'm not even his girlfriend. Instead, I'm just this annoying girl who keeps calling him and begging him to hang out. I have to hold myself back from calling him or asking if I can see him because I know that he'll say no or won't have the time to talk to me. No girlfriend should feel like that. Am I asking too much of him? Am I being too demanding by wanting my boyfriend to come see me...instead of me coming to see him.
I feel like shit for making him do so bad in school but I don't think that's it's all my fault. Sure we spent a lot time together but now I never see him. Instead, I think he needs to evaluate his time and figure out if he should even be in a relationship with me.

I should be studying right now but I'm thinking about this dumb shit instead. Luckily, I'm actually doing great in all my classes since I have so much time on my hands. It's like we live two different lives. He's always busy...always out...always high. I'm always at home...always alone...always sober. I've never felt so alone in a relationship.

post a comment

Date:2004-02-21 17:16

In August my roommate is moving to California.
No degree.
No home.
No job.

Talk about following your dreams...

post a comment

Date:2004-02-19 19:40

I've cried so much this week.
Our electricity bill came in the mail. I owe MES 200 smackers by the 29h. I owed Verizon 35 bucks on the 12th but the bill wasn't sent to the right address and didn't get here on time. The only perk about yesterday's mail it that Scott's valentin's day gift arrived...late. The point is my Wednesday sucked. Things could be a lot worse but I still wish that I wouldn't cry about silly things or about nothing at all. Maybe I should see someone but I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be alright.
And last night I was suppose to go out with Nicole to the Log Cabin after rehearsal (for Medea) but she said she was going to the Keg and invited me along. After rehearsal I still had to put some props away and before I knew it she had already left. I went to the Keg and drove around it because as soon I got there a case social anxiety hit me and I couldn't get out of my car, so I didn't. I feel like I need someone around to hold my hand whenever I go to any social event. It's situations like that, that make me wish that I wasn't so weird.

I realized today that if I go into the education field I will probably be happier than in any other field. Although, I would probably enjoy any field that I have any interest in I still wouldn't feel as significant as I would if I was to become a teacher. Recently I haven't been as happy as I use to be because it has become very evident that I'm 'not needed'. No one calls more asks for advice and the only conversations I've had with any 'friends' are purely small talk, which makes me feel unimportant. However, I'm sure that if anyone asked me for advice I'd be of no help because I'd too busy feeling sorry for myself.
Last night was the worst. I cried so much yesterday, it was ridiculous. But when I woke up this morning I felt refreshed. Perhaps it was the sunshine and the 60 degree weather but whatever it was at least it didn't make me upset, ha ha.

post a comment

Date:2004-02-18 23:53

I'm having a phone complex.

No one calls.

post a comment

Date:2004-02-15 22:39
Subject:Today I realized...

I am the luckiest...

post a comment

Date:2004-02-15 20:00

I had a beautiful valentine's day.

Scott bought me the Lost in Translation DVD, the famous 'Abbey Road' picture of The Beatles (which he framed himself) and a vase full of roses. We ate dinner and then watch The Virgin Suicides and About Schmidt.

I love him.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2004-02-11 22:44
Subject:No good very bad day

I'm feeling sorry for myself again...
Today I found a pretty little envelope in my mailbox with my name on it and a pretty big number, 163.00, that I have to give to a woman's clinic. Why? Because I'm a woman and I have a vagina and breasts.

I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday only to find out that I called her a day earlier thinking it was the 12th. No wonder she thinks I'm dumb.

I insulted a colleague of mine by accidentally questioning her authority and thus got myself in trouble with the administrator.

I found out that Nicole will not be leaving and she plans on moving in with her boyfriend (Pete), Pete's friend and Pete's friend's girlfriend. I feel rejected...like not getting invited to someone's birthday party....

I have a major project to finish up by Friday and I'm not even half way through. Although, this one is totally my fault it still sucks.

I got a bad case of the 'self-esteem blues'.
I've cried three times today.

...I hate myself...

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-02-08 21:11

Right now I'm working on a project for my make-up class. I have to find pictures of Egyptian women, 18th Century French Court women, 1980s New Wave women, and 1950s women. I found so many of Elizabeth Taylor when she played Cleopatra and when she was photographed during the 1950s. Cyndi Lauper was a big help with the 1980s and the 18th Century was a pain in the ass. Now all I have to do is cut and paste.

This weekend was great. I went out with Nicole on Friday night and had a great time. I saw so many old friends and met a lot of great people. I ended up meeting up with Scott and headed over to his friend Sean's house. A.J. showed up and we all ended up getting drunk. Scott and I went back to my place, drunk. Luckily I only live about two minutes away from Sean so the drive wasn't bad, considering. Saturday we headed up to P-Town and saw an independent film about Elvis and an ancient mummy. It was so funny and little off the wall but very good. Today I spent most of my time in bed and then I head out to Wal-Mart to get some cards for my grandparents and for my mom, her birthday is the 12th.

I can't wait for this weekend. I have so much planned and besides that...I've never had a 'valentine'. I know it's a stupid holiday but I have never been with anyone that I have cared so much about. Everyday is so surreal because I can't believe that Scott is in my life, as cheesy as it sounds. He makes me so happy and even when I'm a jerk he still loves me. I never thought that I would be so in love with someone but I am and I'm giddy and happy and stupid all at the same time. I would say that I could never live without him but I could; however, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. When I'm with him nothing else in the world matters...nothing.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2004-02-06 12:13

I'm at work again...'working', ha ha.
I got paid today so that was a relief.

I'm going out with Nicole tonight which is a pleasant surprise. We haven't spent a Friday night together in so long...
A.J., the Asian kid from Louisville is in town. It should be fun catching up with him...hopefully.

The roommate situation
1. Kelly, never cleans, etc.
2. Nicole, probably won't be coming back to school.
3. The Boyfriend, he's willing to move and he's my best friend.

I have until July to either find another roommate or look for a place where Scott and I can live. If we do move in together it's going to really test our relationship and that scares me, of course. I wish that I could say that with out a doubt it would work out perfectly but you can never tell until it happens. Last semester we practically lived together and we've both come to realize our good and bad habits but I'm still not a 100% sure.

...Only time can be the judge of that.

post a comment

Date:2004-02-05 12:40

My Valentine's Day plans are finished.
Now all I have to do is wait.

I worked on my scrapbook last night and before I actually bought all of the supplies I thought there is no way in hell that I'm going produce a good scrapbook filled with dozen of great pictures. However, with a little cut here and paste there it's actually coming together nicely. I feel a bit cheesy doing a scrapbook but I guess you have act a little corny. Scrapbooks are about memories, reminiscing and being a bit corky.

Perhaps cheese should be the title of my book?

post a comment

Date:2004-02-04 19:31
Subject:For once...

Today was...great.

I was really happy when I woke up this morning and as the day went on things started to fall into place. I picked up some extra hours at work. I gave a tour of our department to some very enthusiastic perspective students, who later sang my praises to school relations (that was a nice ego boost). I finally told Kelly that I probably won't be living with her next semester and she was so nice about it. And finally, I've just about finished up my plans for V-Day and my scrapbook is coming along.

After today I just wanted to hug everyone in sight, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm so glad that for once I'm not feel 'okay'. Hopefully this feeling will last for more than 24 hours.

post a comment

Date:2004-02-02 14:09

I'm sitting at work, bored.
I have a million things to do that don't involve being here.

I'm going to make a scrapbook of my trip over to London/Dublin. For our final we are told to write a 15+ page paper but I've decided not to and just make a narrative scrapbook. I never complied a scrapbook before but I'm looking forward to it.

post a comment

Date:2004-01-29 20:07
Subject:Rant, Rant, Rant

So tomorrow I'm heading home since it's been about a month since my last visit. Although I miss everyone I just wish that I didn't have to travel 5 1/2 hours just to see them for 2 1/2 days. Going home also tends to be boring or stressful. The boring part being the fault of my 'friends' and the stressful part being my mother's. I know that the whole time I'm down there, or up there, she's going to ask me about what the hell I'm going to do with my life...blah...blah...blah. I get the feeling that she thinks I'm not doing the right thing because every time we talk she keeps reiterating that the world is a bad place and that I should be careful and 'do the right things'. But I'm not twelve anymore...I'm twenty and my priorities have changed my views on certain issues have changed and my relationship with her has changed.

Lots of change that can't be handled by the one person I need to most.

Enough of that crap.
Today in my EDU class we visited an elementary school which was a lot of fun. However, I was in a classroom with another student in my class who looked like a typical 1st grade teacher. She was all smiles, dressed professionally and Lord knows she 'loves' kids. Meanwhile, there I sat with my messy hair, a retainer in my nose and a intimidated look on my face. I would love to be able to look the part of my future job but I just think that I fit into any specific catagory. I guess I never have. As one guy put it so bluntly, "Georgena, every since I met you I've been trying to put you in a catagory...but I just can't". Oh gee thanks Chris, I'm glad you can't stereotype me... I guess that's a good thing but then again it just makes me feel lost in the world.

post a comment

Date:2004-01-28 22:02
Subject:Figuring things out...
Mood:better than before

This post isn't an 'exciting' one so you probably don't want to read it.
So today has been a roller coaster. Classes went fine..blah,blah. But after a meeting at 5 I called Scott and then went over to see him. Well, he was busy and then someone called him to go skateboarding (he isn't too bad) but I got pissed. Now looking back at the situation I acted really ridiculous but the end result made everything make sense. So as we go outside, so he can meet his friends, we start to fight because I told him that I didn't think he spent enough time with me....more fighting went on and we ended up at my house...still pissed at each other.
Well we started talking and he brought up the fact that we still see each other everyday for more than three hours even though we said we wouldn't and I told him 'well, do you not want me to call you when I feel like it?' which lead to the whole issue that he's busy and I'm not. Why is this? Because I have isolated myself from every single one of my friends. I have no one to turn to besides Scott. Why do I crave so much attention and time from him because he is the only person in my life. It's such a sad thing to realize but it's so true. So now that only solution is to rebuild my life. I need to reconnect with those that I was once so close to you...1. being Nicole.
Therefore, I think that I need to live with someone else as a result of this. Nicole was thinking about moving into Murray Place and since we've lived together before I think it would work out. The only issue is to find two other people, which won't be hard. Kelly has actually found two other girls but I don't know them...and I don't really care to. It's going to be hard telling her this but it's going to have to happen. Right now I need to surround myself with people I know and love and even though she's great, we just aren't really that close and with two girls I don't really know....well, it's just not going to work out. I'm hoping after today things will start to get better for me. Knowing that Scott is still someone I can trust is comforting but now it's time for me to find a life of my own.
Having this journal, whether or not people actually read it, helps out a lot. It allows me to express how I feel without having to talk to someone else who probably doesn't care. Besides this thing won't interrupt me...:)

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2004-01-27 15:51

So my EDU class is going pretty smoothly. We're going on our first 'school visit' this Thursday which will be a huge indicator as to whether or not I should pursue teaching. Although the money is going to suck I wouldn't mind living in a small apartment, preferably with my significant other, and not having that much extra cash. I don't plan on having any children so that would eliminate a huge amount of money that would be spent
...moving on....
The weather outside is frightful...falling ice, snow and an occasional bunny or two has made today miserable. It could be worse but considering I wasn't wearing a jacket yesterday I'm not too happy about the current conditions.
I'm officially a member of the yearbook staff...that should be interesting since I don't have an clue as to what I'm doing...the only plus is that I actually know how to use an Apple.
My roommate and I are looking for a new apartment. Murray Place is looking mighty nice, but also very expensive. However, our electricity bill this month was 122. Although I don't have to pay for all of it, it still really sucks. If we did move into Murray Place the rate would be 300 or higher and we would have to find two other roommates. But, everyone gets their own bedroom/bathroom, there is a washer/dryer and disgwasher (that would be nice since Kelly never does the dishes) and there is no need to worry about monthly bills...it's a flat fee, obviously. We have until July to find a place so the stresses of moving out aren't getting to me...yet.
It's the third week of school and I feel like we just started yesterday. I'm hoping that this semester will prove to me that I will succeed in college, one way or another.

post a comment

Date:2004-01-26 18:58
Subject:Getting over that 'stupid girl crap'

So I'm starting to stop with the emotions. I have realized that I was acting ridiculous with the whole 'my boyfriend and I aren't seeing each other as much and I'm upset' deal and now I'm starting to find a life of my own, if that makes an sense. I've been doing a bit more reading and trying to do some analytical shit but my brain isn't that big.
Although, emotionally, I think things are being put back together, I still feel extremely insecure. It's as if everyone around me is above me. Everyone has it together and no one needs any answers to life's questions because they've got it all figured out. Now I know that's not completely true but I still can't help feeling like it is. I feel like escaping for more than days because no one would notice. I feel so insignificant and my contributions to society are irrelevant. All the happiness that I formerly possess has now left me completely and now I am only happy when driving, preferably far away. I've felt like this before but for only a couple of days...not months. Perhaps I should talk to someone but more than likely I just need someone to give me a hand for once and show me a little affection. It all goes back to the whole 'my mother is the only person who calls me' deal. I just want a little note saying 'hey' or something silly. Something I shouldn't have to ask for but yet...I'm still asking.

post a comment

Date:2004-01-20 21:52
Subject:I cry everyday....


Do you know what it's like to wake up one day and hate every aspect of your life? Do you know what it's like to realize that what you've been working towards for the past two years is something that you absolutely hate?

Well, I do and it sucks.

Within the past month I have realized that I hate my major. It was a subject that I use to love but now despise. Theatre was great at the beginning and the people were soooo interesting but now it's not so fascinating and the people are waaaaaay too dramatic considering they're still in college and without a care in the world. I simply cannot stand the 'high maintenance' aura that surrounds every single person in the department except for a select few. It annoys me how self-center they can be. And it really irks me that every single topic, no matter what it is, in some way ends up being about sex. Call me conservative but I really don't want to hear about how many people you've slept with and who did what with who in the bathroom at some party last Friday night. I can only take so many conversations about intercourse.

And it’s because of this anger that I have now turned my attention to a more secure topic: Education. A field that is obviously the total opposite of theatre has caught my attention because the people I have been surrounded by for the past two and half years have driven me insane. Call me crazy but I'm seriously thinking about being a fucking teacher. And I think I might actually like it.

I love helping people. I really wish I didn't. I wish that I could take and take and never give back but I would probably die of depression if I didn't give. Even when I'm angry with someone I feel the need to help them out. When I'm mad at a friend or even my boyfriend I go out and do something for them. Perhaps it's because I want everyone to like me but either way I can't help but give to anyone I come into contact with.

And for the most part education, so far, has also given me hope for humanity. I know I'm judgmental and will probably always be that way but I think that if I'm surrounded by positive people who have the same goals as I do then I'll become a more positive person. Having been around actors and what not it's really hard to remain positive when everyone is just out for themselves.

I hope that this is where I should be as far as careers go. Right now I'm not banking on anything but it's so stressful when you beginning your sixth semester in school and you realize that you're in the wrong field.

Enough of that, another issue that has been bothering me is that fact that my mother is the only person that ever calls me anymore. Not Nicole, or even my boyfriend…occasional his mother will because she’s trying to reach him but other than that my phone remains silent to any “Hey, how are you” phone calls. Hell, my boyfriend doesn’t even know my phone number. Granted we spent a lot of time together it’s still the principle of the matter. Not to mention that fact that we never go out anymore, or at least it seems that way. I just wish that instead of saying “I love you” that he would show me. I don’t want flowers, even though I gave him hell because his roommate bought his girlfriend flowers, I just want something that tells me that he cares about me. It doesn’t even have to be materialistic. A nice walk somewhere would suffice. And the worst part about all of this is that there is no way in hell that I could tell him any of this. And he says he’s waiting for the right time to “buy me flowers” but the truth is I don’t want a couple of rose pedals (roses, if I’m lucky) just so they’ll fall off and have no meaning what-so-ever because I just don’t appreciate things like that. I just want something that says I care about you. And maybe I’m asking for too much and perhaps I don’t give him enough in order to receive anything back but geeze Louise I want something.
It seems like lately that any of the time we spend together hasn’t really been like the quality time that we use to spend together. His roommate is either in the room with his dumbass girlfriend who pretty much lives with them and that makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable because it’s another couple and you know how that can feel. Or his family is around fighting about something. Either way I would say that we’ve only spent a couple of hours of good quality time together within the past week.
And besides all that I really don’t even think he wants me around. It’s like I’m an in convince and whenever I call him I feel like I’m bothering him. And the worst part about all of this is the fact that I have turned into the “typical girlfriend”. I’m moody, demanding, over emotional and too clingy. I hate myself. I’m so fucking dramatic but I guess when you put so much effort into a relationship it’s hard not to get emotional especially when your partner has all of the power. Without his approval I feel empty and that’s not good.

Either way I haven’t been feeling self-assured and that sucks.

Overwhelming insecurity

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2004-01-02 15:22

Well I'm here in London and soon I'm off to Dublin. This place is much like New York and the people have been fairly decent.

I've seen the Globe Theatre, The British Museum, Westminster Abbey, Windsor Castle, St. Paul's Cathedral, Bombay Dreams (the musical) and Happy Days (a play by Samuel Beckette). Tonight I'll be off to the Phoenix Theatre to see the musical Blood Brothers and tomorrow we'll see The Woman In Black.
I've probably seen much more than what's been mentioned but that's all I can think of at the moment.
While in Dublin we'll also see Aristocrats and Jane Eyre. Not much time will be spent there but I'll be glad to be there, nonetheless.

The currency exchange rate really sucks. It's about 2.00 dollars for every pound.

Other than that I'm having a blast. It's hard to describe this place unless you experience it for yourself.
I must say that I love their tube station.

post a comment

my journal